How To Be Courteous To A Pregnant Woman

It seems like it should be intuitive. Perhaps it seems like common sense. But as my pregnancy progresses, I am discomfited by the general public's way of acting toward pregnant women. I've always assumed that, you know, pregnant people are people too, so things I wouldn't normally do or say to a non-pregnant person, I wouldn't do or say to a pregnant person. I am constantly surprised to find that other people do not subscribe to this philosophy, and feel that a woman's pregnancy gives them license to act in ways that would make their mothers ashamed.

In response to this disappointing discovery, I've compiled a short list of reminders - seven little tips to help you be courteous to the pregnant woman (or women - lucky you) in your life.


1. Ask before you touch.
Normally, in a list like this, you'd save the "big one" for last, but on the off chance that you don't read the entire thing, I thought this should be first. It's the most important.

Friends, a pregnant belly is not a free ticket to Touchville. No matter how cute that bump is, you must ask yourself this question before reaching out that hand: "If this person were not pregnant, would I touch her belly without asking?" If the answer is no, please restrain yourself and do not touch her belly. If you find yourself experiencing extreme difficulty in keeping your hands to yourself, the best thing to do is to ask her.

Now, you may be thinking, "But Emilee, I am close to the pregnant woman in my life. I am her grandmother / brother-in-law / co-worker / Great Aunt Tessy. If anybody has unspoken permission to touch her belly, surely it must be me."

My answer to you, friend, is an emphatic NO. If you have not asked, you may not touch, no matter who you are. And don't call me Shirley.

Some women have no problem at all with people handling their midsection - but you will never do harm by asking. You may, however, do great harm by not asking. Most women have preferences regarding who touches them, particularly in such a vulnerable area. I know I do - unwanted touch triggers my anxiety. I have yet to say no to someone who asks to touch my belly, but I have experienced panic in response to people who have done it without asking, whether they were strangers or family.

Finally, consider this: in some states, touching a pregnant woman's belly without permission is considered assault. Andplusalso, what if I don't realize you're going for the bump-grab, shift my position, and you get a handful of boob instead? The moral of the story is, ask before you touch. And if she says no, accept it graciously and move on. She may be pregnant, but it's still her body. And no, your status as someone who has been pregnant before does not exempt you from this.

2. If you are sick, stay away.
The flu is deadly to pregnant women and their unborn children. There's been some controversy over the effectiveness of this year's flu vaccine, but if you come into even occasional contact with at-risk persons (children, the elderly, and yes, pregnant women), please get your flu shot anyway. If you get the flu, it could knock you off your feet for a few days. If I get the flu, I could lose my baby.

We went on a family vacation over Christmas this year. I had a lovely time, but the experience I had at my grandparents' church was panic-inducing for me. Several persons who were obviously sick - coughing, sneezing, runny noses - had come to church despite their illnesses, and eagerly grasped my hand to shake it after coughing noisily into it, or worse - hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek, without warning. And then I got this: "Oh, it's okay, don't worry, I don't have a fever." A girl can only bathe in hand sanitizer so many times. If you are sick, stay away! Smile kindly, wave hello, ask how she's doing - and do it from a safe distance. Or, you know:

And in anticipation of the arrival of my vulnerable, immunocompromised infant in April: If you are sick or not up-to-date on your vaccinations (MMR, Tdap, etc.), please admire my infant from afar. The very last thing a new mother wants to deal with is a sick infant whose illness - or hospitalization - could have been prevented by one person's courtesy.

3. Feel free to reminisce, but don't condescend.
Would you like to know how many times I've had this conversation in the last few months? (Answer: many, many times.)

"Hi Emilee! I heard you are pregnant! Congratulations!"
"Hi! Thank you! We're very excited."
"So how are you feeling? Are you tired?"
"Yeah, actually, I do feel pretty tired."
"Ohhhh, just you wait until that baby actually comes. You don't know tired until you have that baby. Juuuuuust youuuuuu waaaaait."

So, in a few short sentences, you went from congratulating me on my pregnancy and asking me how I'm feeling to telling me I have no idea what's in store for me. No, I have not had children before. No, I have never been up several times a night with a newborn. However, I am fully capable of picking up a pregnancy or parenting book, reading it, and understanding that yes, I will feel tired for awhile. I also have several friends who recently had babies - I am currently witnessing their tiredness. I have no response to give your "warning," so the conversation usually ends there. Wouldn't it be much more pleasant for you to say something like, "Well, the tiredness is worth it!" or "You don't show it!" and then: "So what else is going on in your life?" so that we can have a nice, grown-up chat with contributions on both sides?
Unless you entered into conversation for the sole purpose of making me feel unprepared and incompetent. If you did that, my advice to you is to stop talking to pregnant women.

I am happy to hear your experiences, good and bad, regarding your pregnancy or pregnancies. I know that swapping stories is a benefit of joining the Mom Club, but examine the way you tell your stories. Are you using your pregnancy experiences to judge or speak condescendingly toward another mom?

4. Don't offer unsolicited advice.
From the beginning of my pregnancy, I have had the benefit of a large support network including family, friends, and a wonderful online community of other expectant mothers. I also have the benefit of a library card, which offers me access to countless pregnancy, parenting, child-rearing, and self-education resources. There's also the Internet. Books, articles, websites, videos, conversations I've initiated with others - not to mention my doctor - if I have a question, a problem, a thought, a complaint, a revelation, or if my farts have taken on a concerning frequency and I'm not sure how to deal with that, I have a wealth of resources to find advice. I know exactly how lucky I am to have this large network, and I also know that many, many other pregnant women have this same kind of network and the skills needed to access it.

I was recently cornered by someone who evidently thought I was all alone in my pregnancy. As good as her intentions may have been, she showered me with the sage advice she assumed I, as a surely clueless first-time mother, desperately needed. The thing was, I had already heard and internalized all of the nuggets of wisdom with which she was blessing me. I tried to be understanding, but was at the same time a little affronted that she assumed I was so blissfully ignorant and uneducated. Ironically, one of her tips was to "Just ignore any advice you don't agree with. People love to give advice to pregnant ladies, it's so annoying."

And keep this in mind: not everything I post online about my pregnancy is an invitation for suggestions or advice. If I want to know what brand of stroller and travel system worked best for you, I'll ask. If I want to know your opinion on baby-wearing, I'll ask. If I want to know what hemorrhoid cream was your butt-saver during your pregnancy, I'll ask.

I receive more unwelcome, unsolicited advice every week than I've received welcome, solicited advice my entire pregnancy. I am a literate, university-educated adult who has knowingly and willingly entered into a state of pregnancy. I promise, if I want your advice, I'll ask.

5. Offer - don't demand - to help her.

Offer to help me if this happens.

Repeat after me: "She's pregnant, not dying."
I love it when people hold the door open for me, pregnant or not. I also love holding the door open for people, pregnant or not. What I don't love? "OH! You're pregnant, you shouldn't be doing that!!!"

Yes, I am pregnant. However, I have had several long conversations with my highly trained, highly paid medical consultant about what sort of things I should and should not be doing. If I am doing something, it's because I am fully capable of doing it. If I look like I'm struggling, or if you just want to be nice, by all means, offer to help me. I'll probably say yes! But if I say no thanks, be gracious and let me do it. I'm a big girl. I'm pregnant, not dying.

6. Her body, baby, and choices are not yours to comment on.
Actual comments heard by real pregnant women some time over the last six months:
"Wow, you're really big for only 24 weeks!"
"Wow, you're really small for being 24 weeks! Are you eating enough?"
"Look how swollen your ankles are!"
"You should start trying for number two really soon after you have this one. Siblings should be close in age."
"My coworker / daughter / Princess Kate is about as far along as you are and she is nowhere near your size! Are you sure you don't have two in there?"
"It's a girl? That's too bad. I always think the eldest should be a boy."
"I can't believe you're only planning to have one. I or someone I know was an only child and hated it."
"So how are you planning to lose all that baby weight?"
"You already have a boy and a girl. Why did you get pregnant again? Now it'll be uneven."

Not only are these comments unnecessary, they're rude. It is not within your rights to comment on a woman's body - pregnant or not. It is also entirely unproductive to compare the pregnancies of two different women. Every pregnancy is different, every body is different, every baby is different, and it doesn't matter if me and your sister's husband's niece share a body type and a due date - we aren't going to look the same. There are a myriad of factors that go into how a woman looks when she's pregnant. Not only that, but pregnant women usually have a team of medical professionals monitoring her and her baby's progress. If there is a concern regarding her body, she will discuss it with her medical team. It is not your job nor is it your place to make any comments regarding her body.

This also goes for any comments regarding the baby's sex - unless you are the one doing the pushing or the co-parent, you don't get to have an opinion on what's between that baby's legs. Period.

And finally, whether and when I choose to have or not have more children - and how I plan to parent those children - is zero business of yours. Just like your reproductive decisions are no concern of mine.

So what is the safest way to talk to a pregnant woman about her body? I have an easy answer for you:
If what you are about to say is anything other than some variation of "Wow! You look amazing / radiant / beautiful!" then don't say it.

7. Smile at her.
Pregnancy is exciting and for the most part, wonderful. And I am happy to share that joy with the rest of the world, within the bounds of reason and respectability. There are ways to share in this joy that are reassuring, noninvasive, and blissfully nonverbal. If you encounter a pregnant woman and sight of her baby bump makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, smile at her! If you have been pregnant before and her pregnancy reminds you of those happy times, smile at her! If she looks exhausted and like she could use nine months' worth of wine, please smile at her, she probably needs it! I love being smiled at. Just, you know, not creepily.



My point is really this. Don't use an entirely different set of expectations or standards when interacting with pregnant women. My pregnancy is not a license for you to act like an uncultured buffoon. Treat me, my body, and my unborn child with the same respect you would give any other member of civilized society.

Happy Wednesday, friends. I hope my tips have equipped you with the tools you need to not be a tool to the pregnant women in your life.