Elliott and I are coming up on our second anniversary (okay, so it's a few months away, but whatever), and after some trying days over the past few weeks, I've been reflecting on what I've learned in our time together so far.
Elliott and I didn't know each other for very long before we decided to get married. We met (and quickly became inseparable) in April, were engaged November 1, and married November 22. Although it felt like we had known each other forever, it was definitely a whirlwind romance that took us both by surprise. Before meeting, we had both just come out of difficult relationships. I, for one, had totally sworn off dating after that disaster, so I refused to let anyone call me Elliott's girlfriend. Then all of a sudden we were married.
In the back of my mind I always thought I would be 30 before I ever got married. My parents married young - like, teenager young - as did my grandparents (my sister and cousin followed suit), so all things considered I was practically a spinster when I got married at the ripe old age of 22. I did worry that I was too young, too immature, etc. to be a half-decent wife, but with time and grace I'm learning.
Over the last month or so, a lot has happened. We bought and moved into our first home, my sister got married and moved to Germany, and we adopted an energetic and fast-growing puppy. In a less tangible way, I've also been rethinking my plans to become a teacher and started considering other possibilities, which as a meticulous planner and hater of surprises, is difficult and scary for me. On top of all of this, several women I'm close to have announced pregnancies over the last month, which has magnified and thrown to the forefront my desire to start our family. So when you add all these things together and toss them around in my brain? It's all a little overwhelming.
Honesty time. Last night I had a breakdown. It was a perfect storm kind of thing - I wasn't feeling well, and we had just been to a party, which is energy-draining for me, I had all the above-mentioned things running around in my head, and I was still reeling from sending my sister off to Germany last week. Everything came boiling and bubbling up to the surface and I lost it. I'll go into Elliott's response later, but in moments (or hours) like that, I am graciously reminded of just how lucky I am to have married the man I did. So this morning, reflecting on the events of recent days, I compiled a list of things I've learned since becoming Elliott's wife.
5 unexpected discoveries i've made in my marriage
① WE'RE REALLY DIFFERENT. You know how they say "opposites attract"? Yeah - I thought I was basically marrying a male version of myself when we tied the knot. Not exactly opposites, I thought. But I had dated so many opposites that hadn't worked out that I thought maybe the old adage didn't quite fit my situation. Come to find out, though, Elliott and I are opposites - just not in obvious ways. Perhaps the biggest difference I've discovered is that Elliott is an extrovert, and I am an introvert. In a big way. We've had to make concessions for each other because of this. Elliott has to do and attend certain things by himself, because I can't handle them. And sometimes, I have to take a deep breath and move out of my comfort zone in order to support him. It seems like we find new differences all the time, and while my tendency toward negativity tells me that it's going to make things harder, Elliott's optimism usually proves right when our differences end up being complementary.
② LOVE IS GREAT - SUPPORT IS BETTER. Support flows out of love, of course, just like everything else, but when one of you is going through something difficult, it isn't enough for the other person to sit by and passively send love vibes their way. In marriage, active love takes many forms, including grace, forgiveness, conscientiousness, and support. In the middle of my breakdown last night, Elliott sat with me and calmly responded to my volcano of emotions. He nearly always has a gentler and more forgiving understanding of things than I do, so even though my emotions were out of control, I still felt supported and cared for. On the other hand, I support Elliott by backing him up in whatever venture he takes on. I'm not naturally a risk-taker, so this is a skill I've had to acquire, but I whole-heartedly believe in Elliott's ability to be successful in whatever he does. So when he had an opportunity to leave his comfy banking job (which paid well) to become the manager at a coffee shop (which he loved), I said go for it! We're still working on being naturally supportive, but we're definitely getting better at it.
③ I'M A GOOD COOK. I never struggled to boil water or fry an egg, so I knew I wasn't awful, but once I was diagnosed with my dairy allergy and meat intolerances I had to start getting creative. Between the two of us, we're allergic or intolerant to soy, dairy, red meat, uncooked fruits and vegetables, and most tree nuts. If you add Elliott's mom into the mix, you cut out gluten too, so then I really have to get creative. Thanksgiving dinner at our house is a hoot. With a little help from Pinterest, I have been able to rise to the occasion, though, and meals at the Shindels' are nothing to sneeze at. Plus, as it turns out, I like to cook. Who knew?
④ PRIORITIZING IS A MUST. A MUST, folks. Now, it's important to have priorities in any realm, but I'm talking about making each other a priority. Let me tell you a little about our lives. Elliott works nearly 50 hours a week - that's on the clock time, not counting all the work he ends up doing in what's supposed to be his free time. I go to school full time, I have two part-time jobs (and am looking for a third), we have a new puppy, both of our parents live nearby, and our household to-do list is always a mile long. So sometimes it feels like we barely see each other - usually saying goodbye in the morning and goodnight in the evening. This is something we still struggle with at times, but we know as well as anyone that you have to carve out time for one another. Does this mean I schedule our dates in my planner? Yes it does. Does it mean our time together is sometimes unconventional and not really date-like? Yes it does. Is that okay? Yes it is. Because I thrive on contact, I need whatever minutes I can get with Elliott. This is just a season, and our schedules won't always be this hectic - but for now, if we really want to show how important we are to each other, we have to consciously and actively make each other a priority.
⑤ THE LOVE JUST GROWS. Almost no one will tell you how difficult the first year of marriage can be, particularly when you're young. Our first year was hard. We didn't live alone together until last month - we had roommates for our first eight months, then lived with Elliott's parents the next ten. While we loved how much money we saved that first year and a half, I don't think we understood how important it was to be alone together. We haven't actually known each other that long - we just passed the two-year mark - so it was hard to get to know each other when we were always surrounded by other people. All that to say that we didn't know each other very well, we were trying to figure each other out and navigate our new life, we were struggling to connect in a lot of ways, and getting used to the whole being married thing. It was hard! However, on the other side of all of that, I was surprised to find that every day I woke up loving Elliott that much more. It's like nothing else - having a team, a partner, someone I can count on. So while I didn't expect the difficulty we experienced for most of 2013, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
So there you have it: the five things I've learned since November 22, 2012.
What discoveries have you made in your marriage?
Happy Monday!
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